The Less I Know, at the Profound Age of 16

The second I turned 16 I felt a rush of knowledge enter my body. I'm unsure why, maybe it's the feeling of getting older. Within the same hour, I realized how much I don't know, and how much I don't understand. A lot of the things in my life haven’t been consistent. Despite this, one of the most consistent things in my life has been the sayings, “You are so mature for your age,” or, “You give good advice considering your age”. One thing these people don’t understand: I don’t know anything. So for the first week of the 17th year of my life, I write about one thing I don’t understand per day.

July 2nd, 2024 – Cruelty

Cruelty is something I’ve never understood and something I don’t think I’ll ever understand. I’ll never understand waking up and choosing heartlessness. Cruelty covers different aspects of life but here are some to note: Why comment on something you know will hurt others? That is unless you point it out purely out of anger or jealousy. Why give strangers dirty looks? That is unless you feel like spreading your unhappiness with the world. Why ruin another person’s special day? That is unless you have a deep need for constant attention. Why fabricate reasons to hate others? That is unless you struggle to find reasons to love yourself. Why tear down the people around you? That is unless you are constantly power-hungry. 

By saying all of these examples, I don’t mean to make anybody feel self-conscious for feeling these things. After all, we are all so young. Even if you aren’t young, an important thing to remember is that this is all of our first time living. Somebody at 60 could be having the same realizations I’m having at 16, and that’s okay because everybody’s life is different. We will all, eventually, grow out of these habits.

July 3rd, 2024 – Trust

There are some people I’ve known for all 16 years of my life and still don’t trust. Then again, there are also people I’ve only known for a month who I trust with every fiber of my being. Trust is a weird concept because the most random things can spark trust between people. In my case, simply a warm smile or gentle touch makes me trust somebody. I’ve realized that the longer I know somebody without trusting them, the harder it is for me to gain trust in them. My brain tends to build a barrier around certain people and things if I don’t (almost) immediately trust them. I’m not sure why, but it's probably because I have 9 more years until my frontal lobe fully develops. 

July 4th, 2024 – Losing Trust

L.O.L. This is ironic because yesterday I wrote about somebody I finally gained trust in. Today, I lost that trust. I don’t understand how you can gain and lose something so quickly. This one started in what feels like a lie. It also might’ve not been a lie and something I simply hoped would be real. I tend to have gut feelings about a lot of things, and I had a gut feeling this would happen. Looking into his eyes after the first slight feeling of trust, I saw the wrong intentions. Knowing me, I will always have horse blinders on, allowing myself to look for the good in people – even if it’s something I really have to convince myself to believe. 75% of the time these experiences humble me, but 100% of the time I am reminded that I only do this out of the innocence I still carry with me.

July 5th, 2024 – Lingering

Haha! Linger by The Cranberries. People consider me clingy but clinginess and lingering are very different things. When somebody is clingy the recurring thought is “Why. Won’t. They. Leave. Me. Alone?” but lingering is more like, “WHY. WON’T. IT. LEAVE. ME. ALONE?”. The interesting thing about lingering is, most of the time, there seems to be no point behind it and it is so hard to get rid of. After you peel an orange, the smell lingers on your hands. The trauma from my 9th-grade history class lingers in every classroom I will walk into for the rest of my life. That guy's texts that I refuse to respond to linger in my phone. The thing that lingers the most (and I hate the most) is the thought of what could’ve been: The classes I could’ve taken last year. The conversations I could’ve had. What we could’ve been. You get the point. Would’ve, could’ve, should’ve. No regrets though.

July 6th, 2024 – Peace

I don’t remember the last time I was completely at peace. I try to maintain some peace in my life by doing things I deem peaceful: I go to sleep in the clothes my friend gave me because his clothes provide comfort. I paint. I journal. I light my favorite candles. I scroll on Pinterest for hours, planning out my future through photos. I go out and buy a fresh bouquet of flowers. These things are peaceful but that doesn’t mean I’m at peace when I am doing them. If you have figured out how to achieve peace at 16, please give me some tips. And if you are older and still don’t know how to achieve peace, I guess this feeling might be something to get used to (I hope not). 

July 7th, 2024 – Deep Down

“I don’t think I believe in deep down. I kind of think all you are is just the things that you do. -Diane (Bojack Horseman)

Same, Diane. I think “deep down” is an interesting concept because nobody knows anybody well enough to know who they are “deep down”. I don’t even know who I am “deep down”. If somebody is nice, they are nice. If somebody is mean, they are mean. I feel like that's pretty simple. And yeah sure, you can go around being horrible to everybody and say, “But deep down I'm a good person,” but to everybody else, you aren’t. My friends used to tell me this girl who was so mean was “good, deep down” and my favorite thing to say in response was, “If somebody so “good” can become so bad, how good were they in the first place?”. And with that being said, does “deep down” matter if they don’t show who they are “deep down”? If you want to be seen as nice because you’re a “nice person, deep down, " just be nice. “Deep down,” is supposed to be deep in your soul. If in your soul you are kind, bringing that kindness to the surface should be natural. And if you can’t do that, I have no reason to believe in who you are “deep down”. 

July 8th, 2024 – Thinking

Today, I struggled to find something to write about. So I thought. I thought for the 8 hours I’ve been awake until now, 3:00 PM. Then I realized I hate thinking. Thinking doesn’t even make sense. At the risk of sounding too much like Goldilocks: I overthink, I underthink, but I don’t know if I’ve ever thought just the right amount. I think while I’m taking a test: I use critical thinking to rule out unlikely options on multiple-choice questions. I even think about the next outrageous and almost unreachable claim I can make in my next essay. From thinking about the actions I have made as a result of thinking, I have realized the best decisions I have made in my life have been without much thought at all. I’ll see somebody cool at a party and immediately approach them to try to become their friend. I’ll confront somebody after I’ve nearly decided I’ve had enough. I’ll smile at the strangers I walk past because which human deserves to be treated with unkindness? I find that those decisions work out perfectly. I become friends with the cool person from the party. After the confrontation, those people stopped doing whatever they were doing. And, if I’m lucky enough, the stranger will smile back. It’s not that I’m not thinking about these things, I do – but not at high stakes. I think people need to realize that not everything has to be high stakes, that’s something even I have to realize. Unless we are talking about death, nothing is that important. Believe it or not, the earth will keep spinning if you send that text, it’ll keep spinning if you cut off that friend, and it’ll keep spinning if you lose somebody you love(d). So this is your sign to do something that might seem very thoughtful but without much thought. If you see a trinket your friend might like, just pick it up. Write that letter – you don’t have to send it but it might be nice just to have it. Tell the people you love that you love them, and often. And for God’s sake, just smile at the strangers you walk past – it might make their day.  

Best,

Eila