Alabama, Arkansas

Hellooooooooooo!!! Today I write to you guys from the comfort of LAX. Jk. The airport is treacherous. My family always says that I’m cranky on travel days but it's literally because I'm stuck at an airport. You don't even have to know me that well to know that I am a germaphobe. I’ve become more comfortable with the idea of germs depending on the people I’m around but in airports I literally do not know anybody so only God would know where their germs came from. This is even worse because why is everybody at the airport always sick? I have my airpods on full blast and noise cancellation and I can still hear the people sitting behind me coughing. Literally all I’m imagining in my head are their germs floating up into the air that I’m breathing and no amount of hand sanitizer will make me feel okay. I could wear a mask but I prioritize style over comfort; you can also see this in the fact that I’m wearing jeans and not sweats. Also, why is the TSA always screaming at me and stopping me to check me? I promise you I am NOT a threat and neither is my merino wool sweater so why did you take that from me and swab it? What could you possibly be seeing on the scanners? Throwback to the time I was traveling between islands in Hawaii and the TSA stopped me because of my ankle brace and made me take it off so they could swab it. I swear some of these people are just bored because my Summer Friday’s lip balm is perfectly safe to fly; the only threat it poses is exploding because of high altitude. 

For the past year or so, I have found myself longing for home. But where is home? Because i'll be at school and want to go home and then i'll go home and still want to be home. Home could also be a person but I don’t think I have that. Honestly, I find the most security in myself but that's a topic for another time. I’ve been trying to figure out what or who home is supposed to be for me. I’ve been convinced that home is either Vancouver or London because I seriously find myself longing to be there. Sadly, I haven’t been able to leave the U.S. for almost two years now so I haven’t visited my home(s) in a while. I am flying to Vancouver today and if my home isn’t Vancouver and my home is either across an ocean or non-existent I am going to “lose my marbles”!!! If London is my home then Lord please help me because I don’t know when I’ll be there next. I don’t think I’ve ever been unhappy in London. Something about running through Harrods or Selfridges just heals me. The first time I traveled to London was when I was 11 years old. It was the year of 2019 and I weighed a mere 85 pounds because, unbeknownst to me,  I somehow had gotten mono earlier that year. I swear I wasn’t doing anything problematic enough to get mono at such a young age. Anyway, I went to London in the Winter time so it was extremely windy and rainy. I was walking around Westminster with an umbrella when a gust of wind hit me and I went flying. I swear I became Mary Poppins for a second there because I had to have flown two feet into the air. Feeling like I don’t have a home is so unfair because how come I listen to “Home” by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros and have nobody to think about. I guess I technically do but that would be ingenuine and I respect myself and my honesty so I will not be tricking myself into associating somebody with that song when I don’t feel that way. I’ll keep you guys updated on whether or not Vancouver ended up being home. 

Quick update on the whole airport germs thing: I feel nauseous and it better be because the air in here is weird and not because the people around me got me sick. 

I finished watching How I Met Your Mother yesterday and it had the most absolutely disappointing ending ever. I began watching it because one of my friends told me I reminded him of Robin Scherbatsky so I was curious but I hope he only said that because we are both Canadian, from Vancouver, because Robin is so annoying. I don’t care that you like being friends with boys more than girls!! And it’s weird that you point it out every other episode!! You are not one of the boys!! One thing about me is that I can’t not be watching a show. There will never be a moment in my life where I’m not watching something. With that being said, I finished watching HIMYM and went on a search for a new show. I’ve watched bits and pieces of Gossip Girl but have never truly watched the show so I began that. People say that my vibe is very Blair Waldorf but from watching the first six episodes I hope those people are joking. Sure, we both wear navy a lot and have rbfs but she’s literally the most snobby and ignorant person ever. The only nice thing about being compared to Blair is that my best friend gets compared to Serena. My best friend is also nothing like Serena so I’m not sure where people are pulling these comparisons from. Moral of the story: if you ever see me actually acting like Robin or Blair please call me out because that’s gross. 

I guess the overarching idea of this post is that I’m still figuring it out. I’m waiting for the day that germs don’t bother me as much or the day I figure out what home means to me or the day I decide on the type of person I want to be. People like to say that I seem like I’ve gotten it all figured out but I really don’t; everybody is always just figuring it out. 

Update: Vancouver ended up not being home so I guess the search will continue. This isn’t depressing, it's just life setting me on the right track; I’ll be home soon. Also, I’m somehow on Season 2, Episode 19 of Gossip Girl (can you tell I binge watched on the plane rides and while being sick at home?). Blair doesn’t seem so bad; now I can see why people compare me to her. My demand still (half) stands; If you ever see me acting like Robin Scherbatsky, please have me get a lobotomy. Effective. Immediately.